Leading a good marriage is a challenge

Intercultural relationships are exposed to very particular joys and sorrows. Of course, the couples can choose the best from two worlds, their children have advantages of language and the reciprocal personal gain is precious. However, misunderstandings are pre-programmed. Different views of roles in marriage, the very different definition of "family" or economic problems can lead to great pressure. Having contacts and friendships with "locals" who are free of prejudice is therefore even more important.

"Daddy, what's this?"
Kevin is holding a small paraffin lamp to his father. Father John tells him how he, as a student in Africa, used to do his homework in the weak light of such a paraffin lamp. Every couple of days he needed to clean the lamp. Listening with fascination, the children are standing around John. His wife, however, is sitting beside them, uninvolved. Africa is John's world, not hers. John is from Nigeria. He met his wife in Switzerland. The children hardly know John's homeland. – My husband and I, too, spent a rather long time in Africa. The described scene, which took place in our living room, brought back many memories. We like John's family, but it hurts to see how little John's wife is interested in his childhood.

Black, white, grey, or zebra?
Our neighbour from Thailand is married to a Swiss man. Whenever he speaks of her homeland, he says "those down there". That's his wife's world, which has little in common with life here in Switzerland, clearly separated like the colours black and white. Sometimes maybe they are mixed, with a shade of grey or for the children it's more a sort of zebra: black counts for Mum, white for Dad…
There are several Thai-Swiss families in our neighbourhood. They function very differently. One husband has learnt to speak Thai and eats all the Thai dishes; another one likes neither language nor food. So his wife cooks two different meals every day!

Life between two cultures costs energy
A marriage beyond cultures is always a challenge, which takes a lot of strength and perseverance. It depends on how much each partner is willing to invest in approaching the other and learning from each other. During a conversation with a Westafrican-Swiss couple the topic turned to the beginning of their relationship. The two looked at each other: " It was difficult, I don't know if I had the strength for this a second time." By now Mamadi, the husband, speaks Swiss-German and finished a nursing training. A lot seems to concern "simply" external criteria, but that's exactly where "approaching the other" starts.

Differences of faith
A woman from our church is married to a Muslim. She is allowed to practice her faith – but in a limited way. Whenever his friends visit, she has to be the host and cook, no matter if it's time for the service or not. Though their children actually attend the children's church programme, they miss it every now and then. That's why they could never found close friendships with the other children and don't feel at home in the church even though their cousins are there as well. – The 14-year-old youth keeps to the men. His father is his role model and doesn't go to church either after all.

Bearing tensions
Living with such inner conflict is a great challenge, which needs to be endured though it's very painful. If both partners are Christians they have a common ground that helps them bridge the gap between their different biographies, experiences and values. But it is not a guarantee.

Experiences of an African pastor
One day an African pastor in Zurich sighed: "In Africa I counselled married couples and was able to give them some advice. Here in Switzerland I watch many marriages, which were working fine in Africa, fall apart. I can hardly help. Intercultural marriages leave me completely helpless. I don't know how to help Swiss spouses or how to integrate them into our (African) church. White women are more bound to come and stay as well. However, if an African woman marries a Swiss, I often don't see her anymore."

Children's integration
For the children the culturally mixed background of their parents can be difficult, even if they look like Swiss. Who am I? Where do I belong? Children live in Switzerland and are influenced by our culture. But the other culture influences as well. In the family next door, he is Swiss and she is Spanish, the children are raised in a Mediterranean fashion. The language spoken in the family is Spanish. Whatever is Spanish is great, whatever is Swiss is boring. They spend their holidays almost exclusively in Spain. It is difficult for the children to find their identity.

Prejudice against youth
An African who is married to a French woman and father of nine once said: "As long as the kids are little, there are no problems. They are accepted and everyone thinks they are cute. But when puberty begins, everything changes. For the boys it's a lot harder than for the girls who seem exotic. The boys are discriminated because of their skin colour and they face prejudice. They have to achieve better work and are observed a lot more closely than other youth." This is difficult for the parents as well.

Are we ready to invest?
Leading a good marriage when both partners are from the same culture is challenging. I feel how much I depend on God's help. It is much more complex then if two different cultures are involved. For couples in this situation it is even more important to be in touch with people and have friends without prejudice – are we ready to be there for them?

                                    Barbara Müller

Facts: Nearly half of all marriages newly registered in Switzerland are bi-national, meaning bride or groom have a different nationality. This number has doubled within the last 25 years.